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Post by m8withblackbird on Dec 19, 2013 18:02:28 GMT
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden....
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals".
"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10!!? But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the garden."
I'll get my coat……………
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Post by m8withblackbird on Dec 19, 2013 22:03:19 GMT
Ah 40 views & no ones gonna out crap joke me "really & all them Christmas Crackers jokes"
2 snowmen in a garden, 1 snowman says to the other snowman "is it just me but can you smell carrot"
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Post by BADGER on Dec 20, 2013 9:19:38 GMT
Its that a challenge Here then Q: What do you get from sitting on the snow too long? A: Polaroids! Q: What's an ig? A: A snow house without a loo! Q: Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce? A: Because he thought his wife was a flake Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one? A: You have to hollow out the head. Q: What do snowmen eat for lunch ? A: Icebergers ! Q: What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window? A: Snow and Tell. Q: If the sun shines while it's snowing, what should you look for? A: Snowbows. Q: If you live in an igloo made of snow, what's the worst thing about global warming? A: No privacy! Q: What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together? A: A receding hare line. Q: How do you keep the snow from giving you cold feet? A: Don't go around BRRfooted! Q: What do you call a gangsta snowman? A: Froze-T Q: What kind of math do Snowy Owls like? A: Owlgebra. Q: How do you know if there's a snowman in your bed? A: You wake up wet! Q: What do you call a snowboarder with no girlfriend/boyfriend? A: Homeless Q: What is the difference between a snowboard instructor and a snowboard student? A: 3 days Q:. Where does a snowman keep his money? A: In a snow bank. Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast? A: Frosted Flakes. Q: What do you call an old snowman? A: Water! Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire? A: Frostbite. Q: What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib? A: A snowmobile! Q: What do Snowmen call their offspring? A: Chill-dren. Q: How does a Snowman get to work? A: By icicle.
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Post by BADGER on Dec 20, 2013 9:21:02 GMT
A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"
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Post by BADGER on Dec 20, 2013 9:25:31 GMT
and one for M8 and Brakey A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal, the waitress came by with the inevitable check. To the amazement of all, the Scotsman was heard to say, "I'll pay it!", and he actually did.
The next morning's newspaper carried the news item:
"JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND MURDERED IN BLIND ALLEY".
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Post by m8withblackbird on Dec 20, 2013 12:57:07 GMT
and one for M8 and Brakey A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal, the waitress came by with the inevitable check. To the amazement of all, the Scotsman was heard to say, "I'll pay it!", and he actually did.
The next morning's newspaper carried the news item:
"JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND MURDERED IN BLIND ALLEY". :mut: :mut:
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Post by brakeline on Dec 26, 2013 15:00:16 GMT
Oh dear oh dear. Well seen your out the country Badge. So stop encouraging him . Argh. Cant get the wee smillie thingies working. Do .
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